Previously on Nip / Tuck...
The money's gone. She gave it to the church.
Here's a few hundred bucks to tide you over.
You need some money? Let me help you out.
I'll make it out to "Cash. "
You got $300 worth, courtesy of my two dads.
Do you want straight sex, or do you want anal?
You are not screwing him for money!
I want back in the business.
You know, just a few choice titles, nothing too raunchy.
You need to kick the meth, hon.
It's very, very bad for my company's image.
So is this it? You're moving out?
Is that what you want?
I wanna be with you. But first you need to realize
that who you are is nothing to be ashamed of.
It takes a strong individual to be gay in this world, Julia.
You're the only one who's even pretended to be nice to me.
Will you stay with me, just for a little while?
Are you ready for this?
This is so wrong.
It was inevitable.
It was just a matter of time before I got that stick out of your ass.
Do you have a hairdryer?
- Where are you going? - Out.
DJ Seventh Son is playing at the Whisky tonight.
Well, wait. I'll come with you.
Don't you want me to?
We're done here. This was a "get it out of our system" screw.
Don't feel bad.
After-sex clinginess happens all the time, especially with older guys.
Are you saying there's no chemistry here?
I like having sex with older men. It's a daddy thing,
and you're hot for your age.
You're even hotter 'cause you used to screw the chick
who's screwing my mom,
but I don't date guys with gray pubes.
- You lying bitch. - Hey.
What do you expect us to say, Matt? You've been lying to us for months,
spending our money on drugs, and putting our granddaughter at risk!
Why didn't you just tell us the truth? We could've helped you.
Do you have any idea of what the permanent effects
of methamphetamine have on your brain?
I wouldn't be surprised if your dopamine levels were cut in half.
It's not like you can spare any, Matt. You're a depressive personality.
Well, thanks to Prometa, we don't have that problem anymore.
- Yeah, what's that, Xena's brother? - It's a specially blended combination
of medication and nutritional supplements designed to help suppress our cravings.
And thanks to Prometa, we've been clean for three weeks now.
You do realize there is no truly effective way to reverse meth addiction.
Your chances of a relapse are over 80%.
We know that we're always gonna have the urge, Sean,
but we're fighting this together.
And so, what, now you want some "get back on your feet" money?
Well, look at me, Christian.
The drugs were hard on me. I have got sores all over my arms.
This shit aged me, like, 10 years.
What's that saying, "Don't give a hungry man a fish,
"but teach him how to catch one?" Look, we wanna be self-sufficient.
Kimber's gonna model, and I'm gonna manage her.
Oh, Jesus. Have you looked in the mirror recently, Kimber?
- Your face looks like a fraternity couch. - Yeah, I know.
That's why I need you to freshen me up. I want my looks back.
They're my commodity.
I am a product.
Crack Whore magazine's next centerfold.
Look, I know how disappointed you guys are in me.
But you know, just for now,
can you at least see us for what we've overcome?
You want plastic surgery? Go to Tijuana.
You want money? I'm sure Wendy's is hiring.
You want sympathy? Write a letter to Oprah.
The double-daddy store is closed.
- What about Jenna? - Our granddaughter will want for nothing.
Except parental role models.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some work to do.
Make sure you take the back door out. It's the way we take out the trash.
Julia is gonna be pissed.
Frankly, she's not my problem anymore. We can't keep enabling him.
Excuse me. Can we help you?
God, I hope so.
- Shrapnel? - Mmm-mmm. Edges are too clean.
I had the X-ray done at the free clinic in El Segundo.
They don't ask questions down there.
Well, we do here in Beverly Hills.
- What is this, Mister... - Dr. Joshua Lee.
Forgive my paranoia, but I'd hate to put you in danger.
What kind of doctor are you?
PhD. I'm an astrophysicist.
Taught at Harvard when that still meant something.
Look, you're gonna think I'm crazy,
but hear me out, please.
- You got two minutes. - I only need one.
I was tracking radio waves from deep space.
For years, we heard nothing but static,
and then, one night, a series of blips.
You know what defines intelligence?
The ability to create patterns.
And somebody,
or something, was out there in the dark doing it.
I'm sorry, but wouldn't we have heard about the discovery of intelligent life
- on another planet? - You don't think I tried?
I called in the team, my superiors.
But the pattern didn't continue.
And there wasn't any trace of it on the recordings.
- They had erased it. - "They"?
The ones that put this thing in me.
I knew too much.
I was too close.
They had to keep tabs on me.
You have an alien implant?
They need to track me.
- The lead blocks the signal. - Why don't they just kill you?
You think I wouldn't rather be dead?
This thing aches so much.
All right. Let me take a look.
I guess the aliens aren't intelligent enough to prevent sepsis.
I picked at it with a hanger trying to get it out.
You know, I know I'm just a funny story to you two, but I researched you.
You take complicated cases.
Please, help me.
Dude! Dude! Sean. Hey, come on up.
What's up, my brother from another mother?
Huh.
- Taking a nap? - No, just a little afternoon delight.
- This is Leah. - Hey.
Hello. Dutch oven. Dutch oven!
That is so gross. - Get out of here.
- No, no, not you! Not you. You. - Okay.
Get out. Go on. Go.
- How old is she? - Eighteen, I think.
When you're a senior in high school, that makes you 18, right?
Hey, don't get all east-coast judgy on me, Sean.
Come on. There is no shame in dating a young girl.
I mean, this is Hollywood, right? I mean, that's why we come here.
I mean, they're tight as a chinchilla's ass,
and they don't care if you listen to them
because most of the time, they've got nothing to say.
But how do you keep them interested? You must be 10 years older than she is.
- Try 20. - Who did your work?
I've never been under the knife.
Well, except for when I had my dick shortened.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
No, honestly, Doc, I hate to break it to you,
but I think plastic surgery's a little 20th century.
I mean, hormones, colonics, Thermage, that's the new age.
A good IV push can keep your hair from going gray
way more than a Grecian Formula.
I got this Indian doctor. He is the L.A. Guru.
I'm not kidding. I don't know what he puts in his IVs but, dude,
that shit is magic.
Can I get his number?
- Just for research purposes. - Oh, screw that.
I'm going maņana. Why don't you come with?
I'm actually kind of busy tomorrow.
Well, that's perfect. We'll come to you.
Okay.
Hey.
What do you want, Kimber?
You, inside of me.
What makes you think I wanna stick my dick inside that
cesspool of a vagina of yours,
and risk having it being bitten off by one of those Alaskan king crabs
you got swimming around down there?
Hmm?
Get out.
Christian, I need you to do my surgery.
Telling the truth isn't gonna make me change my mind.
You want more of the truth?
I am going back into porn.
I guess if you're gonna be a degenerate slut,
you might as well get paid for it.
But I'm not gonna do your surgery.
How many times do we have to go down this road, Kimber?
I'll break up with Matt.
I thought you two were in love.
I screwed up, okay?
But my life doesn't have to be over.
Fine.
But I get Jenna, too.
Sign over custody to Matt, and you get your pretty face back.
You okay?
You haven't said a word since we left the shop.
Look, I've had plenty of girls with sexual problems.
And who's the common denominator in that equation?
All right, enough. Do you want this or not?
Why do you keep asking?
You wanted the sex toy, we got the sex toy.
Not the toy. Me.
God, all my friends told me not to date a straight girl.
Oh, this again. Why do I have to decide whether I'm gay
or whether I'm straight?
Choosing your sexuality is a commitment to me.
I'm in love with you,
and I need to know that I'm not alone here.
- Excuse me. You finished? - Just a minute, please.
Step over here. This is loaded.
You're going to take out all the money you can here.
Then we are going to get into your car.
What's your name?
Can I please go? Please, can I go?
There's another one. Pull over.
What's the point? I can't... I can't take out any more.
Bullshit.
No, no. This is the sixth ATM that we've tried,
and I have a limit on my card.
Look...
Please, please, can you let us go?
You can have my jewelry.
What are you two?
Girlfriends. That's what I figured, the way you were going at it.
Where are we going?
North.
Is she always this way?
When she's scared, and I think she has a right to be.
But you are not scared.
Are you the man?
Up there. Pull in up there. Right over there.
Come on.
Go stand there in the light where I can see you.
In the light.
Stop, right there.
Now take off your clothes, down to your bra and panties.
Uh...
We... We have more money, and I have $2,000...
Strip!
Will you calm her down?
Hug her. Kiss her.
Kiss her.
Help me. Please. Please.
Now, use it. Use it on her.
Use it on yourself, asshole!
Are you testing me?
I've killed people before.
Then just do it already!
Turn around.
Turn around!
Walk.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die. I don't want to...
Oh, please.
He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.
Oh, my God! He's gone.
This poor girl. Trouble just walks alongside her.
Screw her. How many times have I fixed the outside of this succubus?
And what changes on the inside, huh? Nothing.
You know the definition of madness?
When you keep doing the same thing over and over and over
expecting different results.
The only thing mad about her is that she still has feelings for you.
Well, there comes a point when you just have to let go.
Kimber has a disease of the soul.
Get too close, you catch it.
- Dr. Troy? - Yes?
The police are on the phone. It's Julia.
They called from an emergency callbox up north off the 5.
If you ask me, they are lucky to be breathing.
Right here.
You okay?
Jesus, I'm so sorry.
We're fine. We just need to go home and have a hot shower.
I don't even know why Julia called you.
I'm sure the police would have given us a ride.
I just want to see the kids.
- Can I take them home? - Well, I'd... I'd like to do a rape kit first.
- What? He raped you? - No. We already told you that.
Well, honestly, a lot of women say that on the night of an attack.
Are you kidding me? These women have been terrorized.
- Now you want to violate them as well? - Look. I'm just trying to do my job.
I mean, this guy could do this again, and I would hate to lose evidence
because they went home and they took a shower.
No, no, Julia, I wanna go home.
Why don't you take your rape kit, put it next to your box of donuts,
and go arrest some bad guys?
Let's go.
Hey, Seannie, you name me one doctor, I don't care what country he's from,
still makes house calls.
Yeah. Name one who charges $1,200 an hour
- and doesn't take insurance. - I heard that.
Oh, I can't laugh. You feel that?
That's the radioactive waves heating the skin
and stimulating collagen growth.
I know how it works, Aidan. I'm a doctor, remember?
When we're done here, we're gonna look younger than the Olsen twins.
I need to be honest with you. I'm not doing this for research.
I'm seeing a girl, a young girl.
What is she, 17? Because I got a guy that can fix all that up.
- Yeah, birth certificate... - No, no, no, she's 18.
She's my ex-wife's girlfriend's daughter.
Dude, the sexual permutations are frying my brain.
All I can think about are the 50 different ways it's wrong.
Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, hey.
Guilt is the number one negative chi producer.
You let that fester, it will age you, Seannie.
I need you to exhale and let it go.
I'm going to begin the IV push treatments now.
I feel flushed. Is that niacin?
And magnesium phosphorous
and four times the daily requirement of vitamin C.
All the skin vitamins.
Is this really gonna take away my gray?
Look at me. I got the hair of a 12-year-old boy.
I'm sad you're so hung up on this one girl.
Dude, teenagers are supposed to be fun.
You know? It's like candy on a conveyor belt.
One passes you by, oh, look, there's 20 more, coming of age right now.
No.
I'm cutting off girls born after '79. This was an exception and a mistake.
Really? So, that's why you're doing all this?
Dude, you wanna know why she dumped you?
Because you showed her that you cared, okay?
Teenagers are insecure.
You let on that you like them, they're gonna think
- something's wrong with you. - Not Eden.
Okay. All right. All I'm gonna say is,
the harder the chocolaty outside, the gooier the nougaty inside.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, I'm having a big bash this weekend.
Why don't you come by? There'll be cocaine, young girls. Huh?
What do you say?
You and Aidan done jerking each other off?
I think he looks great. Give me your guru's number.
Did he wax your vaginas as well?
My skin is tight, my chi is aligned, and I feel 10 years younger.
You should try it, Christian.
You're looking a little rough around the edges.
Don't you worry about it, but Julia and Olivia
- got carjacked last night. - What?
- Are they okay? - Physically.
I picked them up from the police station this morning.
I should call them. Don't worry.
She'll be in here this afternoon. She needs to talk to the both of us.
When did this happen? I mean, I didn't get any messages.
She called me because I'm good when things get hot.
- And I'm not? - Look.
We're all just friends, right?
I wouldn't worry about it.
You have any idea what the hell this is?
It's a microchip, but there's no serial number.
I've seen one of those before.
On the Web sites about alien abduction.
That's exactly what an implant looks like.
Whenever I wonder why you're single, you have ways of letting me know.
Tease me all you want,
but I saw a UFO in Miami, Christian, and I was not the only one.
Oh, come on, Liz. This is man-made.
Then how did this get in his back?
And why doesn't it have any markings on it?
You think creatures who are intelligent enough to travel through space
aren't smart enough to create devices made out of carbon?
Jeez.
Send that out for tests.
Where?
You sure you wanna do this?
I brought you guys here for support, not to talk me out of it.
- I support you. - We both do.
Buying a gun is a completely appropriate reaction for what happened to you.
- Thank you. - And you're far more likely
to be killed by your own gun than a criminal's.
That's not what you said after you were attacked.
A Republican is a Democrat who's been mugged.
That's a. 45.
My girl digs it 'cause it fits in her hand.
Pick it up.
Oh, yeah. That is heavy.
Look at it like a cell phone on a long drive.
You never have to use it. It's all about state of mind.
Okay. I'm gonna say it. This is insane.
Julia, you were the victim of a random attack.
One in a million. This is an overreaction.
- Why are you so upset about this? - Because my kids live with you.
She'll get a lock.
You know, I'm not sure she should be taking advice from a man
whose idea of taking responsibility is pulling out.
Would you two shut up?
I think that this will fit in my purse,
And I'll take it.
The chip works as sort of a LoJack, except for people.
And I realize that sounds really cruel,
but this is the third time my father's wandered away from the nursing home.
And the last time, he almost died from hypothermia.
We're just happy it started working again.
This is not my daughter. My daughter is fat.
Dr. Lee, this is your daughter Wendy.
She has the ID and your medical file to prove it.
And you have Alzheimer's disease, which is making you
very confused right now,
but you don't have to worry about anything.
They'll tell you anything to discredit me.
I've come too close.
Okay, okay, Daddy. It's time to go now, all right?
Get your hand off me. I won't go with her.
Look at me. I'm not crazy.
These men are from the care facility, all right?
- They're gonna take good care of you. - It's 2007.
George Bush is President. The Celtics are good again.
I don't want to go with them. Please! Look...
I don't want to go with them. I don't want to go with...
Dude! Dude!
Oh, the doctor's in the house, everybody.
- This is the debate team. - Oh, hi.
All right, girls, you can take off. Why don't you go argue with somebody?
Seriously, take off.
But I'm gonna be checking your notes to see who won, Cheryl.
I don't even know if that's her name.
Hey, so, what do you think of my theme? I got this whole hell thing going.
I'm calling it Dante's Infernal.
I was actually thinking about going home.
Whoa! You can't go home.
Come on, you're my wingman. You never abandon your wingman.
Didn't you see Top Gun?
I appreciate the effort. This just isn't for me.
Oh, good energy's not for you?
- Wholesome women? - Oh, shit.
What?
That's her.
Wow. She's like a little lion cub.
Yeah. I got to go.
Oh, no, no, no. Well, do you want her?
- Yes. - Yeah.
Come on.
Okay. Chug.
Okay, okay.
- That's it. Now we're good. Excuse me, ladies.
That's my move, Joe.
Sean.
- Hey! - You know my boy, Sean?
What are you doing here?
Abby, panty time. Let's go.
Panty time. - Right here.
Who's next?
- Come get a drink with me. - I'll catch up.
What do you have left, Abby?
I'm just killing this, killing this.
- That was nice work. - Yeah.
Step off, Rexy.
- Hey. - Hey.
Wanna go somewhere private?
Impressive.
I got a little obsessed with personal safety after I got attacked.
Thanks for doing this with me here today.
You know, I couldn't have done it alone.
And Sean can be so judgmental about these things.
You've always come to me when you needed strength.
How's Olivia?
- Like it never happened. - I'd be in denial, too,
if I fell apart like she did.
You know, that is not fair, Christian.
Oh, come on. You can't tell me you weren't shocked
- by the way she reacted. - Fine.
I was surprised, okay?
Well, that's what you get for dating a woman.
No wonder you want a gun.
Now it's your turn.
Remember, you have to start a relationship with it.
Without you, it's just a paperweight, okay?
Now put the magazine in.
Excellent.
Okay, now, spread your legs and bend your knees.
So raise the gun.
There you go. And aim it.
Now move your finger over the trigger.
Good.
- You feel that? - Yeah.
Huh? Feels good, doesn't it?
Okay.
Now squeeze.
- Hey. What are you doing? - Packing.
- Where did you get this? - I had to steal it.
Certainly you couldn't afford it.
Are we going somewhere?
You are going nowhere, which is why I am leaving.
I don't understand. I thought we were doing good here.
- Have you looked at this place? - I got a job.
Oh, really? Where? Burger King?
Oh, no. Oh, my God. I knew it.
Look, I made a deal with Christian.
He does my surgery, I dump you.
Oh, I thought he was doing that for us, you know, to help us.
That's what I told you, but I lied.
You know, he's just manipulating you again, Kimber.
No, he's not, because it was my idea.
And no matter how good he can make me look,
I can't move forward carrying your dead weight.
- But I love you. - Oh! Stop. Please, Matt.
You're pathetic.
Where did you get those earrings? Did you have to steal those, too?
Ram gave them to me.
We're re-launching the Kimber doll.
You know, it was a celebratory gift.
Did you sleep with him?
Of course I did.
And it was the first time that I have come in months.
Christ.
I... I am so sorry.
So...
So what about Jenna?
Jenna will be at Ram's with the nanny,
and that's where she will be staying when I am not with her.
You can't take her away from me.
Oh, really?
You wanna fight me, Johnny Burger King?
Ram adores her, okay?
And he's got a lot of money.
I never loved you, Matt.
I told you I did, but I lied.
And I'm really sorry.
I hope someday we could be friends.
I can't come.
It's the E. Here. Try this.
Too hard?
What's wrong, Sean?
Call 911. I'm having a heart attack.
Jesus. Sean, are you okay?
I called you both. Is that all right?
- Of course it is. - Of course.
Some week you're having, huh, Jules?
Honey, what happened?
The nurse said that you might have had a heart attack.
He didn't have a heart attack. He had an adverse reaction to Ecstasy.
Jesus Christ, man. You know there's an age limit to that shit.
Huh? It's like listening to Fall Out Boy.
It's that cock-knocker Aidan Stone. He's a bad influence on him.
Aidan didn't give it to me.
Well, then... Then, who did?
Eden.
We're having an affair, sort of.
Sort of? Sean, she's a child.
She's 18. And I didn't call you down here to judge me.
Can you just be my friends right now? Is that all right?
No. I mean, even if I could get past the fact that you have had sex
with yet another barely legal girl, what am I meant to do,
smile and just stroke your bruised ego
when you've slept with my girlfriend's daughter?
- It had nothing to do with you. - Bullshit, Sean!
There are 100 starlets you could have bedded.
You're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Yes, I do.
I'm 42 years old, and I can feel it.
My knees creak when I walk. I get up to pee twice a night.
You know who I am now when I smile at 20-something girls?
I'm the creepy old guy.
My flame is dying, and I can feel the cold air coming in.
Eden reignited me.
She was like a bucket of gasoline.
You don't have to tell me about the spiritual benefits of young pussy, Sean.
I've been dipping myself in those healing waters for years.
Yeah, you have.
I'm sorry if I scared you guys.
I didn't mean... I didn't mean to do any of this.
Oh, come on. Come on.
We've all got regrets, made mistakes, right?
- We're here for you. - Thanks.
Okay?
We need to talk.
About what? Your sexual identity crisis? Save it for the shrink, lesbot.
Listen to me, you little bitch. You stay the hell away from Sean.
You think this sophomoric act is charming?
It's not. You think that prancing around in your plaid skirt
and seducing older men makes you special?
It doesn't. It makes you a stupid whore.
I have deep feelings for Sean, Julia.
And I can provide him things that you no longer can, such as youth
and a certain tightness.
Listen, you do not screw with him or any other member of my family.
And you especially don't screw with me,
or I will talk your mother into sending you away to reform school
far, far away from us.
Do you hear me? Good.
Is that decaf?
Yes, Dad.
- Hello. Dr. McNamara, Dr. Troy? Mmm-hmm?
I was wondering if you recently treated a Dr. Joshua Lee.
- About 6 feet, 70. - Deep voice?
That's him. Oh, thank God.
When the insurance bill came, I got this jolt of hope,
but I wouldn't let myself believe it until I was sure.
I'm sorry. I'm motor-mouthing.
It's just that my father has been missing for months.
He just disappeared.
No change of clothes, no note.
They had to suspend his NASA project.
- I'm sorry. Did you say your father? - Yes.
Can I see him?
Your sister picked him up yesterday.
I don't have a sister.
Her name is Wendy.
That doesn't make any sense. I'm Wendy.
- He did say she was fat. - I have a thyroid condition.
I don't understand.
Why would someone claiming to be me come and take my father away?
He's a broke scientist who gets off looking at the stars.
Who would do this? Who?
- You asshole. - I guess Kimber lowered the boom.
Take my advice, move on.
- I just gave you an early birthday present. - I love her. She's all I have.
Kind of sounds like your whole sorry-ass life, don't it, huh?
No money, no prospects, and the love of your life is an old skank
who's about to take it up the ass again for cash.
You know, she took Jenna.
They're living with some millionaire porn producer,
and she won't even let me see her!
- Get in here. - What are you doing?
I'm trying to make a man out of you. Huh?
You've always been such a wheezy little bitch.
- No wonder Kimber dumped you. - What? You don't love me anymore either?
Of course I love you! I'm your father!
I don't want to see you until you get your shit together.
You hear me? You need to grow up, Matt, and do it fast.
Until then, consider yourself an orphan.
- Is Sean home? - No. He's at his internist's.
Why?
I need you.
Make love to me. Take care of me.
Ow!
English - SDH